Mixed Tears

No words could describe how I felt today - that feeling of being left out of something BIG, something that I thought or expected to be a part of. Pride? I struggled to even answer that word. But I know that I took for granted that every year I would be in the band; doing my thing, helping out, being part of something, getting myself busy. This time round, no.. nothing, and I'll just be another head in the audience, sitting back and supposedly enjoying. That was why I couldn't take it, I cried my heart out.. my tears of disappointment and unjustification. I just couldn't understand why, I couldn't accept any answers that were even out of good intentions. All I wanted to do was to dig a hole and bury myself and lay in the earth till everything was over. Not that I like to run away from problems, but this is my way of reacting towards it at least.. I like to pull myself out and be alone. Back to that question.. pride? Yes I do.. who doesn't?

I started to reflect, to think about my course of thinking and reaction towards that decision made. All I can say is that I have to submit and obey. I know that God is dealing with me through this - But God, this really hurts. Right now, everything under my feet seems to be shaking, I feel like I am about to fall. Hold me tight Lord, I don't want to fall, I don't want to lost my foothold. I am afraid. Sighh, what dear said was right. Every year that will be a light moment, but I only have A levels once in my lifetime. Words of truth, yet the truth hurts. God, work in me Your plan, work in me Your song, work in me Your victory, work in me your glory. Its me and you now, bring me into Your rest. Let me be still before You. Don't pass me by..

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